My Mind Thinks In Mysterious Ways

Math 101 to CNBC

2010-01-21T16:17:00.000-08:00

Warren Buffett watches CNBC with the volume on mute. I completely understand the great investor's rational and I have my own little beef with CNBC.

Question: How would you read 0.63%?

Answer: “POINT SIX THREE PERCENT”. Right?

No!!!!

CNBC: SIX TENTHS OF ONE PERCENT.

And I am like what the fuck!! SIX TENTHS OF ONE PERCENT? and it’s not even right!!

Hey CNBC,
Gas in southern California costs THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY HUNDRETHS OF ONE PERCENT.

Hey, CNBC,
There’s a FORTY TENTHS OF TEN PERCENT chances of rain this afternoon!!

Rehab!!

2010-01-14T15:05:00.000-08:00

My wife thinks I am over reacting but I think I am going through “adult puberty” and “pre-mid-life crisis” at the same time.

I wake up with a new zit on my forehead every week. I keep my laugh to the bare minimum because I am subconsciously conscious about over stretching my sagging facial muscles and “crater size” pores that dominate a major real estate on my face, more so with the receding hairline. I have this intense craving for chocolates and have been binging on ‘em like there is no tomorrow. I don’t want to accept my dad’s friend request on Facebook. I see a lot of logic in texting than talking on the phone (I must confess I have a long way to go before I start using the bff’s, OMGs and gr8’s). “Thoughts” creep into my mind when I am alone and God help me with the frequent boner!!

Well I could care least about shit like that, but the last nail in the coffin was when I realized that I was tapping my feet and singing along Miley Cyrus’s “party in the USA”! and I am like WTF! That’s when I realized I needed help. To detox my mind off of all the that crap, I am signing up for rehab at the one and only “world famous” home -remedial rehab center right in the comforts of my toilet. I will be right back…………
3 minutes later………

“this smell is killing me!!”……aaaah aaah……wow I feel better now

3 days later…

OK, I am back and “back with a bang”. Oh wait is that a freakin ZIT again and oh wow I got another text and this from my BFF!!

Anger Management 101 – vent your anger

2009-12-29T15:46:00.000-08:00

A shoutout to all desi motherfuckers going to the temple and leaving their shoes all over the place. Do you really think the shoe-rack outside the temple is an item of display like your wife’s boobs? MOTHERFUCKERS.

After you finish your aarti, get your ass back so people behind you get a chance to do the Aarti. MOTHERFUCKERS!

And last but not the least, I don’t want you touching any part of my body when in line for the Prasad. So move your dick away from me MOTHERFUCKER.

How much is too much – My fellow Facebook motherfuckers. If you don’t get any updates from me, be it “buying goats or milk or chicken on hen”, be it daily horoscopes, be it finding chicken shit in the “life box”, be it any damn “application”, I don’t give a rat’s ass to your updates. So go to the settings page and the right thing. MOTHERFUCKERS.

Cramer is a MOTHERFUCKER.

Why the fuck is GE down. I don’t quite understand. I am getting screwed so FUCK GE. No no FUCK ME!

I follow a few blogs and I get updates everytime there is activity on that particular blog. Don’t fuckin shove your fuckin blog down my fuckin throat and quit updating your fuckin status. MOTHERFUCKER.

Why am I back to blogging? I just wanted to end the year on a positive note. So, HAPPY NEW YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS.

P.S: I have a 10-day vacation and have nothing else to do. So, please bear with my extreme behavior.

Blogging 101 – For Dummies!!!

2009-06-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was tracking visitor traffic on my blog and I was shocked hmm…maybe not shocked but surprised hmm…may not surprised but traumatized I guess is the right word.

Firstly, this one dude google searched the key word “nude desi” and voila he ended up on my blog. Now I can understand his frustration when he got to my blog, especially with his one had busy stroking his thing, only to realize there was no nudity on this darn blog of mine and instead found what represented “free wholesome family entertainment” – never mind the not so often cussing. Hey, if you are one of those guys out there with nothing better to do in life and decide to investigate the truth, let me tell you that you might not find my blog listed under the first 600 pages that google spits out with keyword “nude desi”. So don’t bother. If you still insist on conducting the “research”, please feel free to share your findings with me.

I guess the moral of the story is if you are one of those misery bloggers thinking your blog represents an awesome piece of journalism and trying to reach out to gain massive readership or visitor traffic on your blog, then the key is “pornography”. I am telling you, pornographic material of any kind, form and shape works. Now I am cannot guarantee you my allegiance to your blog if it involves your bare ass, rest assured you will find likeminded “despos” and sons of bitches swarming with their dicks held high.

Secondly, late last month there was a sudden surge in profile visitors from some of the Muslim nations. My initial reaction was panic. So does this make me a racist – absolutely not. Does this make me a typical ignorant, politically in-correct SOB who stereotypes people based on religion and geographic location – yeah you can say that. Anyways, now that I was in the panic mode, the first thing I did was to go back to all my posts to make sure I did not offend any particular religion unintentionally and if I did I was willing to apologize before a “fatwa” (yeah right big Salman Rushdie this bugger!!) was officially issued by the mullahs from this neck of the world.

So I guess the moral of this story is, if you are new to blogging and if you are going to blog about sensitive issues, be it about gays, muslims, jews, blacks, your addiction to self-stimulation, your boss at work, it makes sense not to reveal your identity and stay incognito. I only wish I posted this darn post as my first blog and not revealed my identity.

I say GOD - mind your own business!!

2009-05-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

I have had one on ones with GOD every now and then. Its always been very cordial and friendly. But this recent rendezvous with HIM the other day was quite extra ordinary. Friday is when I get a lot of time for myself. Get off early from work. Wife out of the house. So it’s basically me, myself and my TV.

So come Friday, I slip into my specially designed "TV watching attire", cracked open a cheap ice cold Kirkland beer, kickback and settled down to watch TV my way which tyipcally is browsing the channel listing in this never ending loop of 100 odd channels. Couple of hours later, I typically switch anywhere from 5 to 8 channels. Finally, at around the fourth or fifth hour of my channel surfathon, I was down to 3 channels at any given point of time. I guess GOD could not take my channel changing madness any longer and it was right at this point He thought it was about time to intervene. With all humility I must admit, to have GOD monitor me for 5 plus hours, I honestly think that He either took the day off of his busy schedule or was mad I was not watching his favorite channel. This is exactly what happened (picture the following - Law and Order style):

Friday 12:30 PM – start TV watching marathon

Friday 2:25 PM – channel changing madness continues between 100 channels

Friday 3:30 PM – channel surfing between 8 channels

Friday 4:45 PM – no change from above

Friday 5:00 PM – channel surfing continues but between 3 channels

Friday 5:11 PM – GOD intervenes in his own style

At around 5:12 all three channels showed advertisements. Unlike the other times, this time around it was OXY CLEAN on all three channels and trust me, it was the same fuckin' man with the beard shouting like he had a mexican jelopino up his ass. I am not making this up. The advertisement brought back images of my wife from the earlier night reminding me the hundreth time to get the laundry done when I got back home.

Time: Friday 5:15 PM

Location: Laundry room with OXY CLEAN in one of my hands and a basket of dozen odd used underwear in the other.

Moral of story: GOD like my wife, prefers watching one channel at a time. SHIT!

Lok Sabha 2009 Coverage

2009-04-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

Everything you need to know about the elections. Nice one!!
Check out how much Shri Shri Deve Gowda's son-of-bitch son Shri Shri Shri HD Kumaraswamy is worth.

http://www.empoweringindia.org/new/home.aspx

My predictions - Lok Sabha Elections 2009

2009-04-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

Karnataka and Gujarat will see BJP enjoying a clear majority.

Bihar will be a nail biter now that the three stooges have joined hands but at end of the day Bihar will go to Nitish Kumar.

Andhra Pradesh will be interesting to watch who will eat the Thirupathi Laddu with Chiru stealing vote share from the Congress and TDP.

Tamil Nadu – based on historic swings, the ding-dong should swing towards AMMA.

West Bengal – Not surprisingly will go to the Left and Mamta Banerjee will offer her body for sale. No seriously, if she and her party continue their consistent dismal performance again this year, she should take up doing house-hold chores fulltime. Stop this noise you make you little bimbo.

Delhi – Will and should go to Congress

Uttar Pradesh –SP and Congress will come out humping each other.

I don’t quite know about the other states and territories.

Overall, fasten your seat belts for the Political tamasha at the Center. Not surprisigly you will see the third front with their dicks held high as they will indeed hold the swing at the center.

Breaking News: Deve Gowdaji wears no underwear!!

2009-04-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

If some JD (S) loyalists think I am starting a rumour here, let me ask you this. How would you know?

Ok, the Bhishma Pitamah of the so called only “genuine, indigenous regional party” from the state of Karnataka is at his shameless best again. First, in blowing off the electoral bugle and calling all like-minded, opportunistic morons to form the Third Front, Deve Gowdaji has shown the world that apart from dragging is sagging aged balls under that “white wraparound”, he still can carry the mantle of being called the sickest, opportunistic politician Karnataka has produced, even beating the likes of the late “womanizer” Patil, “party hopper” Bangarappa and “you’ve got to be kidding me” Vatal Nagaraj. Just when you thought that Gowdaji was barely clinging on to sanity, he opens his mouth and says this crap. And then when you thought this old worthless bag of douche could not be any stupider, he beats all estimates and raises the bar for himself and opens his mouth again to say this shit.

Disclaimer: If you support JD (S) please skip the following section.

My sources (I can’t name them for obvious reasons)tell me that the other day, Gowdaji after a daylong election campaigning realized that the dragging of his sagging balls on the rural Karnataka country side, took its toll, when the sack of his sagging teabag tore open and one of his balls rolled out. The drama however happened when one of his cock-sucking “yes-man” stepped on it and cracked it open, releasing the filthiest fumes ever. This hasn’t deterred the old fart from campaigning, although now, every night Gowdaji has one of his two sons stroke his one remaining ball and the other moron rub a handful of Burnol to his sack, which endures the rough country terrain every freakin’ day.

I will gladly take up writing a biography of Deve Gowdaji if his family wants me to.
What? Of course I will be respectful – What the heck!!!

Dumb – Dumbo – Damaaaaar!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

It’s been a month since I started working out and it’s been weeks since I gave-up on that shit. So, it was time to explore other interesting avenues to take up and give up.

What started off as a potential new hobby, was in fact a googly which has left my morale and self esteem in tatters. Well… not quite. Two beers and a car-bomb later I realized that with my good-for-nothing attitude I can only go so far. Rummaging around the vast acres of Barnes and Nobles, I found the paperback that I think was tailor made for me. Yes, it was one of those “For Dummies” that really interested me. I understand from my brief research in that scary world of million plus books that “dummy is as dummy one can get”. There’s no dummier. I guess the next thing that follows ‘dummy’ is a “retard” and there are no books for retards in Barnes and Nobles. It seems like the writers and publishers have collaborated in essentially announcing to the world that they are also catering to the needs of the very last stratum of intellectual human form that god created.

Half hour and 5 pages through the “for dummies” book, I completely lost the premise. Having shaken off the thoughts of big-booby bollywood babes that started creeping-in five minutes into the second phase of reading, I managed 2 more pages of hundred odd words and THAT WAS IT. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was like someone cut the connecting nerve between the eye and the brain. I could continue reading further but it made absolutely no sense at all. My new found tenacity for reading lasted a good half hour.

So my whole point is - in this age of political correctness where you can’t call out a black person or a retard or a prostitute or a muslim for what they are, how could they call me a dummy and be able to flaunt it by selling hundreds and thousands of those books. Now here’s my beef about the book which claims to be for those who came last in school, for those who don’t quite understand didly squat about a particular subject. If I could not understand the book, doesn’t that mean that the author and the book failed? You are darn right these are times when I support the Taliban backed shariah law where the author is stripped to his bare ass and publicly flogged till his balls fall-off.

Disclaimer: Don’t read the “for dummy” books when your parents are around because it’s like their worst dreams came true. It’s like parents finding out that their son is gay.

Wah re US wah re wah

2009-03-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

I heard this on Hannity the other day. I know, but I just love the show for the so called conservative "fair and balanced" bull shit that they claim! But anyways, this is the opening statement of most of the callers who call in into the show:

Caller: Hi Sean you are a great American!
Sean Hannity: Oh thanks for calling, you are a great American too.

Isn't that like saying:
Caller: Hi Sean, Ill suck your dick!
Sean Hannity: Oh thanks for calling, I'll suck your dick too and will also rub your balls when doing so.

Dumbass morons!!!

Thesis Presentation

2009-03-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

All the cushions I have, be it our couch, dining chair, computer chair at home, chair at work, car seat - all have deeper compression on the left side. Isn’t that weird? I know. And before you start working your perverted brains trying to rationalize the cause, I put together a list to demonstrate my rational from a little help from my prized over-baked, rotten intellect.

*Bigger left-bum/smaller right-bum
*Defective structural chassis alignment coming right out of god’s garage.
*The nurse who was supposed to catch me when mom squeezed me out her probably dropped me and I fell on my left side, which probably moved some heavy internal organs from right to left and thereby shifting the center of gravity.
*I involuntarily tilt at an approximately 30 degree angle to my left to release mostly sound but sometimes (odorless) gases.

If you guessed on any or all of the above, you probably have a messed up brain too. But here’s the real domino effect of a much sustained, practical, realistic experiment I have been carrying out for the last year and 2 months. I guess with a sample size as large as that and the margin of error in the + 0.000001, statistically proves my modest lucid rational.

Ok, I live about two and half miles from work. I have been working at this place since January of last year. So let’s say I worked five days a week and let’s assume 50 weeks a year. So the sample size is 250 times two trips going back and forth. So that’s a total of 500 trips. Are you with me so far? Oh wait…it only gets interesting from here so sit tight.

I am not making this shit up. The route that I take to work and back is NASCARy. No, I am not talking about the rate, velocity, speed or the driving skills of the NASCAR drivers but to do with the stupidity of the sport itself. If you are still scratching you balls and wondering “what the heck is he talkin about”. Ok, this is what, according to me, from my laboratory experiments is the root cause for the deeper impressions on left side the cushions. The route that I take to and from home/work is approximately circuitous. Between home-work-home route everyday, I make 14 left-turns and 2 right turns. So that’s 3,500 left-turns and a mere 500 right turns over a one year period. That’s 87.5 percent left-turns. Ain’t that something? I am having more fun presenting the results than I did during my Master’s Thesis. The more the left-turns, the more the tilt to the left to negate the g-force (yeah right driving 35 mph).

I wonder if that's a fair assessment!!!

Marriage ke side efects!!

2009-03-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

I experienced the first signs of after effects of marriage this morning in the office restroom. I lifted the toilet seat, did my thing and then guess what I put the seat DOWN. Why would I do that in a public restroom? Blame it on marriage!!!

KLPD

2009-03-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

$8.33 is what I will get from the proposed Federal Tax cut and $7.89 is what I will payup per the recently passed tax increase in California. What? Is this for real. The drooling, bloodsucking, motherfucking, parasitical political morons from California piss me off man. It’s like the Federal government is providing a bottle of honey for you to dip your dick into and then the state government is letting ants feed on it.

Oh wait… the math says I still have 44 cents to spare. Just when I thought I could stick the 44 cents up my ass as a rainy day fund, I am being informed that this is the right time to buy anything from cars, house, electronics, hookers, taking a cruise/vacation. No w I don’t want to strain my mathematically challenged brain to calculate the number of years I would need to buy a decent home in California – but my guesstimate would be “never”. Ok if you are the more optimistic “I see the glass of water half filled” kind of person, then, you can afford a 44-cent hooker every week for the rest of your life.

Culture Shock -

2009-03-13T18:42:00.000-07:00

I experienced, what was to me a “one of a kind” cultural shock the other day at work. Yes! of all places in the world I realized THAT in the midst of pure tranquility, serenity and a few thousand farts, stinks and some masculine, testosterone filled “oh its still Tuesday!” kinda’ talks.

Ok this was immediately after my heavy lunch and I had to take a leak. I see one guy at the urinal and another in the commode. So as soon as I walked in I heard this loud 10 second fart from the guy at the urinal. The other guy from inside the toilet walks out and I let go off this 2-second burp. What I witnessed in there was latrine racism and its ugly face that to me was for the very first time a culture shock. The two guys gave me a “LOOK” for burping and the guy who farted his intestine out looked down on me like I broke the holiest restroom etiquette. The look on his face told me “you can only fart here motherfucker”.

Holy Crap!!!

Desi vs Desi

2009-03-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

I started working out recently – oh oh don’t jump the gun here people. Working out wasn’t on top of my resolution list for 2009. However, in these tough economic times, my wife wouldn’t let me buy new undies to squeeze in my growing waistline and ballooning bustline into those two dozen or so underwear that, I shamelessly accepted as gift/dowry from my in-laws late last year – a good 2 years after marriage. Anyways, that left me with two alternatives, one – to roll those jockeys on – condom style or two – get back in shape to be able to slip back into those jockeys. And I chose the latter.

Ok the point I am trying to make is, I am not new to seeing dicks flying around in the men’s room in the gym and it doesn’t bother me. Although, I kind of feel insecure showering with other hunks with their extra-large family packs (right out of the COSTCO shelves), I am coming to enjoy and feel comfortable skinny-showering. But the other day, there was this desi guy who looked like he was enjoying showering his hairy desi ass in full frontal exposed “lyril-girl” style. He was in there with several other white, black, green, blue dudes and the moment he saw me his initial reaction was to cover his exposed sausage and teabags – if you know what I mean. That reaction of his has worked-up my hollow over-baked rotten brain. Did I look like a serial man-whore to him or something? Did I look that desperate for him to think I was after his junk? Did god gift him an emerald lined, 24 karat gold coated diamond dick or something?

But then on second thoughts and a little introspection I realized I would have done the exact same thing and so would have the million-odd desis living in this country. The moral of the story is naked desi men feel insecure around other desi men. I now changed my workout timing so I could enjoy a shower without a stich on and around fellow white, black, red, blue, green dudes minus that desi guy!!!

I want my money back – Meat Loaf.

2009-02-04T16:48:00.000-08:00

All you hard working (just working in most cases), tax paying (well you might argue the you don’t pay but Uncle Sam snatches ‘em away from you even before you could smell it), model citizens (yeah right!) in California – BEWARE.

They say you might not get your tax refund if the state owes you but will finger your happiness if you owe the state. Not happy with the fingering, be ready to feel the state thrusting its elbow deep fist by way of increasing your taxes so you could kiss your federal refund good bye.

There are people who say the Stimulus Package is a must to stimulate the economy and there are people who say passing the stimulus package would be digging a deeper grave. FOX news and the conservative media scares the living daylights outta me. It makes me think the BLACK man in the WHITE house was not a good idea after all. Can somebody put things in perspective for an average Joe.

All I need is my full tax refund and I don’t care if Uncle Sam bleeds from every exposed cavity.

What’s this fetish with the woman you gave birth to an OCTOPUS. Well for people who thought it din’t bother them, my tax money will head as welfare to this knocked out white trash and her 14 little piglets (an octopus + sixer from a previous dick). All this in a state where the vast condom-starved South American populace demonstrate that everytime a dick goes in, it comes out with a “freakin” baby stuck to it………….

All I need is my full tax refund.

how long does an erection las

2009-02-02T16:07:00.001-08:00

The title is actually for my next blog (coming soon). I call it marketing!! I will be using a lot of cursing from now on (call it 2009-resolution).

I can’t believe I am forced out of hibernation for this crap.

I see there have been a lot of good as well as bad reviews on Slum Dog Millionaire and here’s my take on it.

Movie making is an art. And art is appreciated for what it is. The content of a movie is only a thread which connects all the entities of film making. The content (“starcast” to the dickheads out there) of the movie is what matters at the Indian box office. And box office collection is directly proportional to the astuteness level of the masses. These are the people who make mediocre movies like Bunty aur Babli, Dostana and Chandni Chow to China super hit movies. To nominate Taare Zameen Par or the Amol Palekar’s dumbass movie (was it last year or the year before) as India’s entry to the Oscars is a joke and outrageous. The boneheaded makers of these trash movies go around promoting their crap with shit filled confidence in their rears only to realize that shit is treated as shit outside of Bollywood. I can’t help getting started on the jury that picks India’s entry to the Oscars. Time and again the jury proves that they are so screwed up that they wipe their mouths after taking a dump and expect that the remnants of their shit coated asses licked off by the producers and directors of those crap movies. Looking at the shine on the jury’s ass I am sure there’s no dearth of those losers who are willing to kiss the jury’s ass clean.

Hang on I am only getting warmed up and I am sure you know which way I am leaning by now.

Case I

If you morons out there thought that Slumdog Millionaire did not deserve all that it has achieved because of the stupid story, picture this motherfuckers –

Salim – Played by Shah Rukh Khan

Jamaal – Played by Aamir Khan

Latika – Played by Katrina Kaif or Kareena Kapoor or whoever has bigger jugs

Four songs shot in some far off locale (not in the slums mind you), couple of graphic rape scenes and a terrific kahani main twist where Kajol and her hooters make a surprise appearance.

I am sure your definition of the storyline would then be a little different. Wouldn’t it?

Case II

And if you are among the Amitabh Bachchans, Subhash K. Jhas or Pridarshans, who think the movie shows India in a bad light go watch Salaam Bombay (Mira Nair), Pathar Panchali (Satyajit Ray) and Bandit Queen (Shekhar Kapoor) which were movies on par with Slumdog. If you say the movie stung you nationalistic, patriotic, jingoistic, chauvinistic invisible two dicks (one in your pants and the other in your brain where the medulla oblongata exists for normal people) only because it was made by a white person, it only exposes your hypocritical, phony, spurious “I love my country” claim. And to force in the other side of India into the movie based on you grunts and snorts and to please your hopelessly pathetic being, would not only kill the intensity but would completely play down the fairytale ending.

If the scene where Jamaal jumps into the load of shit makes you think that’s all what the western audience take home with 'em you will be pleasantly surprised. Do you really care what a pregnant teenager in a western country who idol worships Miley Cyrus Britney Spears thinks about your country? Or would you have loved the movie if it was based in Pakistan? Art lovers are looking for ART and take home ART and not the grossness of the country it was based in.

Do me a favor and wake your “douchebag” sellves up and stop pissing at the same time you jerk-off and instead celebrate the recognition and accolades the movie is bringing to the deserved.

Slumdog is an absolutely fantastically well made movie. It is movie making at its best. True movie lovers who appreciate camera angles, lighting, screenplay, editing, direction know what the movie has in it.

If anything shameful about the movie it is the ignominy that it took British directors (coincidence maybe) to make movies like Slumdog Millionaire, Gandhi or City of Joy. Talking about movie review go by what the experts in their respective fields have to say and not from losers (Subash K. Jha and Kunal Kohli) who claim to be critics. Please don’t get me going on those two nutcases.

P.S. Amitabh Bachchan needs to get some sleep (some of his blogs are at 3 AM). He however retracted his stupid Slumdog review.

Pridarshan should go back to his wife for sex instead of banging Akshay Kumar or Sunil Shetty everytime.

Subhash K. Jha and Kunal Kohli should try and yank their stuck tongues out off Yash Chopra’s ass and see if it’s more succulent sticking one tongue at a time.

Sarah Pa(l)in the ass for the McCain Campaign

2008-09-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

I almost got a boner watching Sarah Palin with world leaders at the UN for a maximum of 29 seconds with each of them. It was like watching a trailer of a celebrity sex tape on Extra or TMZ. Our very own Asif Ali Zardari took it a step further with his compliments.

I watched her interview with Katie Couric and the look on Katie Couric’s face was priceless. She must be thinking that Sarah Palin was the dumbest person she’s ever interviewed. If you gave her the benefit of doubt after her interview with Charles Gibson thinking it was because of her PMS, the latest interview proves we don’t have to wait another 30 days for this moron bimbo to rant off her bullshit and talking points. It seemed like the ventriqoulist (the republican policy and decision maker) took his hand off her backside during her interview with Katie Couric. For the very first time in my life I want to be the ventriqoulist with my hand up the puppet called Sarah Palin.

The people of Alaska must be praying for Ashton Kutcher and the MTV crew to just show-up from nowhere, look straight into the eyes of the American people and say “you are punk’d you idiots” and save them from being mocked and blamed for electing her as their Governor in the first place.

Not surprisingly, the madrassas of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are working overtime on their propaganda declaring jihad against the liberal media to save their sorry ass. Even Jesus must be scratching his balls and laughing his ass off. We all knew she had zero foreign policy experience, but she very graciously showed that she has absolutely no clue about anything. Like the rag pickers, Sarah Palin does a good job picking talking points up and recycle them over and over again.

Having realized that the “maverick” goofed up with his VP pick, the republicans are now trying to put off the face-off between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden and avoid the stupid Americans witness the veil of sheer stupidity being lifted off the moron. The dumbass that she is makes George W Bush look like the smartest ass in the whole world.

Sarah Palin is taking feminism a step back and stupidity a step up one interview at a time!

GOD BLESS AMERICA

We are in Recession - Ill tell you why!!

2008-09-13T19:15:00.001-07:00

If you were one of those undecided voters and made your decision based on the recently concluded Democratic and the Republican conventions, you are nothing but a moron. And if you are educated and you firmed up your support to either of the nominees, you are a dumbass-moron. The thing that one should realize is that the speeches of these candidates were written by their speech-writers and are only readout from the teleprompter by the candidates. If this was breaking news to all you morons, you don’t deserve to vote. You should rather sit outside a stinking public toilet in India and yell at all those inside and remind them how much time they have left. I am sure most of those who switched party lines are these obese, 40 something soccer-moms who supported Hillary Clinton. And now that a black man shattered her presidential hopes and she remains a presidential virgin, they believe it is mandatory to support the “other guy” no matter what the issues are.

One other thing I want to point out is the crowd at these conventions. Agreed, the Indian politicians attract more people especially when you throw in a pinch or two of star value but they are at least paid in the form of cash or local arrack. But, that’s not what I want to talk about. Every time you have a candidate on the stage here, you have a bunch of wasteful souls in the background who just sit there nodding and clapping and laughing and standing at the end of every damn sentence the joker has to say (and yeah shout those U S A, U S A, U S A). I wonder what the prerequisites are for being one of the wannabe brainless puppets. The one prerequisite that I am sure one needs to have is be of a specific skin color to blend in and look like one of them. They can’t be all white or all black. I bet if my dad sees me up there, he would smack me in the head and say “Somebody gonna get hurt real bad – go do something more purposeful in life!” and trust me on this I would probably do the same if I see my kids up there too. I wouldn’t mind if my son comes up to me and says he’s gay. In fact, I would use all my influence to get him into the most elite fashion design schools in India. I can only think of a few times I would be mad at my kids – when I accidentally see my daughter on Girls Gone Wild video or when my son comes up to me and says he wants to start a boy-band or when I see them up there on the stage with the candidates giving their speeches.

And by the way, have you watched John Mc Cain lately. He looks like a spineless little girl in pink skirt, white wet huggies and little lights flashing in the heel of his pink shoes when he is seen running around Sarah Palin. He is now officially, for lack of better words, Sarah Palin’s bitch just like Pakistan has been US’s bitch for so long. I just get this feeling every time I see him during Sarah Palin’s speech he feels a little something under his pants – he looks like a very happy old man now and I am not sure if it’s because of her looks or her Masters in Barking degree. But the old man seems to love every bit of it. Ever since he nominated his running mate, the way he delivers his speech has been anything but dismal. At one of my stays in a motel in DC last year, there was this CD on the table next to the bed in which there’s this guy who helps you relieve your stress and makes you go forty winks by talking some kind of what I think is bull shit. McCain’s speech does that exact same thing to me minus the relieving of stress.

Furthermore, the contents of his speech completely miss the real issues. When McCain says he can pull out a plan from his ass to fix the economic mess that we are in, that he has a plan again from his ass to stop the unnecessary expenditure that’s happening inside the beltway and that he has a plan again in his ass to stop the ever-growing national deficit, gain energy independence, I want to ask him if he had his or somebody else’s finger up his ass for the last eight years. He still thinks the fundamentals of our economy are strong for heaven’s sake. He doesn’t give a rats ass to what is happening to “hard working middle class” south Indians. It pains me to see “Gultis” switching to Chapathis and rotis with prices of sona masoori skyrocketing. Yeah that’s my yardstick to define recession here in US. First of all what do you make of a person who was defeated by the retard George W. Bush, not once but twice?

And having seen Sarah Palin’s first interview on ABC last night, Democrats must be thinking she is George Bush in bra and panties. No freakin brains man. She, like George Bush, cannot pronounce “Nuclear”. Watch closely - “NUCILAR”. To be able to see Russia from Alaska doesn’t quite qualify as foreign experience, does it? No matter how many policy advisors you put behind a pig, its still a pig. But if there ever is a sextape of hers (and if it was from before her first kid was born) and it goes on sale don’t be surprised to see me as one of the initial bidders. If it’s too expensive I will wait for it to come on the Internet. Whom am I kidding here? I will never pay for porn.

Although, Obama lacks experience, he usually has his bases covered. To offset his lack of foreign policy experience, he at least has his more experienced running mate (although even Joe Biden can be a joker sometimes). There is no doubt in my mind that when you compare the two candidates collectively on all the issues including personalities, Barak Obama should win this hands-down. I can’t wait for the three presidential debates and the one vice-presidential debate. When rightwing media says he lacks experience, the liberal’s comeback should be, if you people think George W was indeed so experienced then look at the mess we are in.

Now the big desi question – who will be better for India?
As long as China is on the US’s foreign policy radar India will always be a key partner for US in South Asia. And let’s not be naïve here, the United States has its own rational for pushing forward and getting the Nuclear Deal operational. India and US have invested way too much time and resources setting up a strategic partnership program which goes beyond individuals and individual parties. Whoever comes to power, be it NDA or the UPA, I only want the winning party to win with a big margin (stay tuned for the Indian election commentary). That way we don’t have to see the mockery of the democratic system that transpired vis-à-vis to the nuclear deal. Having said that, the Communist Party of India, a party which now follows pseudo-communism and pledges allegiance to China and Russia, comes to power, the equation can indeed change quite a bit. However, to think of the communists coming to power on its own is not only unlikely and implausible but just plain irrational. However, the bizarre and eccentric nature of our political system is such that CPI will be obliged to support the UPA one way or the other.

Therefore, which ever party comes to power in either of the democracies, the H1-B quota, business outsourcing, trade and commerce will have to go up eventually. The calling card prices to India will further drop, gas prices will further drop, Mamta Banerjee will lose another election, Raj Thakeray will continue his tirade on Shah Rukh Khan till he finds another scapegoat. My vote or rather my support however goes to anybody who promises to bring down the prices of “sona masoori”. You’re goddamn right we are in recession right now man with sona masoori at $30 a piece!!! phew!!

Liar liar pants on fire

2008-09-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

How often have I said in my previous posts, that I am here in the blogosphere to vent my anger with a “like-it-or-hate-it”, “I don’t give a hoot” kind of attitude. I just realized that I must have been either joking, smoking cannabis, absolutely needed urgent mental care to alleviate my demented brain and none of the above but something else.

I tried and analyzed each one of them closely and used the method of elimination to answer the question.
If I were indeed joking there wouldn’t have been so much antagonism and umbrage about literally every damn thing that interests me. Or does it mean only irritating and absolutely exasperating news and current affair paraphernalia interests me? Although I digress, I don’t think that’s the case.

About smoking cannabis, let me tell you having been a chain smoker for a decade and some years and having gone cold-turkey for a year and a half now, it would be ludicrous on my part to go back and bite the dust again.

I may lack the sophisticated insight that is needed to make a blog interesting, educating, appealing but I can assure you I am absolutely in no need of any mental care, although my wife might think otherwise. Come-on now, even in the sanest frame of mind, one cannot justify Superman wearing his undies outside. So I can see that like everybody else but cannot explain that like everybody else.

It’s just amazing to see every Tom, Dick and Harry writing blogs these days. And of-course the celebrity blogs grab more attention not for the content or the lack of it but because of the inherent fetish we as humans have for celebrities not academicians but pop icons be it sports, movies etcetera. My point is when someone says that the intent of their respective blogs is to only express and vent their anger and express their feelings, I want to tell those dildoheads (including myself) “Why don’t you just use your word processor? Why in the world would you want to post it on a public domain”? Right?

I am a firm believer that everyone has an opinion and every one of us has the right to air his/her two cents. The point I am trying to make is it’s all in the state of mind of the blogger. It just doesn’t matter if you are a proletarian or an expert blogger, it doesn’t matter if you are a novice or an expert essayist, obviously, the intent is more than venting and expressing. Consciously or subconsciously the underlying purpose is to cater to ones innate craving for limelight. The parallel to TV channels vying for TRPs is so striking.

On a side note, with every mediahouse hosting blogs, the unchecked proliferation of responses and comments (have you seen those comments people post? holy crap!) to articles could be downright ugly, usually deflecting the whole purpose of the actual topic to a despicable hindu-muslim or India-Pakistan debate. As long as the comments stick to the topic in debate its good but the moment they digress it just feels like a contemporary arena where modern age gladiators voice their so called patriotic bullshit. Case in point was “monkeygate” - remember that from Team India’s tour down under.

With so many blogs out there, it is really upon the educated lot to understand that the blogs are not the place to get your daily dose of world news. Back in the day, there used to be and I am sure there still is “Letters to the Editior” section in newspapers. They were mostly people of dad’s generation sometimes expressing their feelings and most of the times emphasizing how bad the state of electricity, water supply, roads, drainage, stray dogs, public transport was in their neck of the woods. It never was about how much hindu or how much muslim you were. I grew up reading all those. Good ol’ days I say!!

Damn! I am 31 and I am already talking like an old fart.

$H!T..............

2008-09-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

Staying away from the usual digs and snipes that I take at anonymous people, stepping aside from the libelous contents in my blog, I wanted to reach out (if you will) to a wider spectrum of audience (yeah right!). Also, to make me realize who I really am and not the self-proclaimed “father of blogs”, I wanted to be a little real or “hatke” (maybe more hatke than real) and this is what I ended up with. As a disclaimer I must warn that the content is definitely not for the faint of heart and parental guidance is strictly recommended and as a foreword, my apologies to everyone concerned. Enough of all this build-up and lets get right into it-you might say. So here we go.

Politics, sports, and current-affairs apart, what else is out there that I can blog on that interests me? Nothing!! For shits and giggles, this piece is a load of bull-shit-literally and figuratively and the content of this blog is as I mentioned earlier rated or should be rated atleast a PG-13.

· Assuming we are comparing apples to apples, I wonder why is it easier to pick up dog poop versus your own dung from the side-walk. Like I said earlier, we are comparing apples to apples…so assume the consistency and stink of the poop is the same and also assume you did poop on the side-walk with your dog by your side (did I hear how gross – I say mission accomplished).

· I wonder how do gays react when they see straight people making love. I am not against gays and lesbians marrying. I could care less but God willing, I hope HE will spare me the dispensation of witnessing a male-on male gang-bang. I may not be able to poop forget on the lawn, anywhere on this planet for at least few weeks. I don’t mind watching Sex and the City instead. (did I hear how gross – I say mission accomplished).

· I wonder why is it easier to wipe a baby’s ass after his/her potty versus wiping the ass of an adult in your own household. Again, comparing apples to apples and assuming the contents, consistency and the stink are all the same. (did I hear how gross – I say mission accomplished).

· I wonder why is a baby’s poop called “potty” (cho cute) and an adult’s poop “Shit”. (did I hear how gross – I say mission accomplished).

The contents of this piece goes to show that blogging may not always contain substance and it’s not always an art-form if it falls in the hands of demented minds like mine.

Did I hear “what a load of crap”? – mission accomplished!!

Independence Day shook me all night long

2008-08-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

I don’t know about you guys but around this time of the year I have this titanic feeling of guilt and lingering questions inside of me. The lingering questions that resonate time and again are – do I personally deserve to celebrate the Independence Day, should I wish my fellow desis on this day, what have I done for the country to feel proud on this day.

Well, having lived off half of my lifespan critiquing our politicians and the bureaucracy, writing blogs, and doing whatever that I do, I just realized with a two minute introspection of my life so far – and the not so startling revelation is that I am no different than all those people I often critique. The simple fact is that I live a self-centered, narcissistic, egotistical life breathing in this little “well” with like minded people talking about how short the weekend was and how fucked up the work week was. It reminds me of this line from the movie Ab tak chappan – “Country wontry kuch nahi, meri jaan bas”.

I have come to believe no matter which side of the opinion spectrum you belong, there are only two types of people – hypocrites and non-hypocrites. Surprisingly it does not take a deep look within oneself to realize if you belong to one or the other. You might be the one going about doing your job, watching TV with your loved ones and thinking God I have done no wrong and neither have I hurt anybody today. I deserve to be at the gates of heaven. However, the bottom line is it’s all about you, your family, your work, your money, your time. It’s all about you, you and only you. So my friend you are exactly like me - self-centered, narcissistic, and egotistical.

Now, having spent more than the two minutes introspecting, I asked myself if is there anything that I can do to redeem myself, exonerate my guilt and “make a difference”. Not surprisingly there are a lot of things we can do and at the end of the day feel proud of being a better human being. And of course since charity begins at home, I am starting with the man in the mirror. Having said this, let me make it absolutely clear, I am not writing this to show-off, brag or expect compliments. If you are in any way inspired you don’t have to thank me but I will be more than happy to share a few ideas with you. I have done something so different that I think will make a difference. Should I write about it? Maybe maybe not. Will this count towards helping the country and serving humanity – I sincerely from the very bottom of my heart pray and wish it would - one life at a time.

The other startling revelation I found in the immigrant jargon is the definition of ABCD – American Born Confused Desi. I am afraid I don’t agree with the definition. I think the first generation immigrants are the ones who are the most confused. How often have friends talked about going back, how good life was back home, how miserable a life we live here? I digress but this again is a topic I will dwell more deeply in the future. But for right now I am a proud Indian, love my adopted country and I am a better human being. Thanks to my buddy Chethan and dude you know why you deserve this!!

The world around me in 5-speed manual transmission.

2008-07-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

First Gear: Just when I started to feel proud of the strong democratic process in India, vis-à-vis the nuclear deal, crash-boom-bang and I am ashamed and saddened. And why not? With the vote of confidence looming large on Congress, the only plausible way to prove majority in the House is unfortunately by what is exactly going on right now – horse trading. People like Shibu Shoren, Deve Gowda, Ajit Singh putting forward unrealistic and unreasonable demands; even worse is the fact that the UPA has no other option but to consider them. Like tens of thousands of bloggers out there, I am no expert to delve into the details of the Nuclear Deal. Having said that, however, I have been following and studying the deal from a myriad of resources available albeit to the level where it made sense to me.

I am sure the world is watching the largest democracy at work. I cannot begin to say how appalling the whole political landscape in India looks when you have jokers and morons like Mayawati, Shibu Shoren and the one and only Deve Gowda setting forth conditions for their support. It just shows how flawed the democratic process can be. The feeling of solace by drawing parallels to countries like Pakistan, Zimbabwe and other African nations is not the way to look at it. On the one hand the tamasha has exposed and highlighted the political quotient or the lack of it of our leaders and on the other hand it has showed us that democracy can hit rock-bottom of any abyss. I strongly believe the proponents of the Constitution of India have laid a very strong foundation so much so that jokers and morons can afford to flaunt their lack of acumen for any kind of developmental issues. When the whole nuclear discussion was supposed to take center-stage, it is the jokers and morons making headlines with their egotistical and individualistic demands.

In the midst of all this, the political savvyness of Samajwadi Party deserves credit. Do they really have concern and believe in the deal? Did the nation’s interest take precedence over their political gains? Irrespective, it is indeed a very smart move. They do not want to join the UPA but rather just support the deal and have nothing to do with the UPA. That way they do not carry the anti-incumbency factor when the nation goes to elections. They are on the good side of the Congress now and they very well know how desperately they need that support to ouster the dalit-rani in the hindi heartland.

Second Gear: If indeed India and Afghanistan are absolutely certain that the suicide bomber was the handiwork of Pakistan’s Intelligence Services, I fail to understand the logic behind the ISI’s thought process. One of two things has to be true:
1. The ISI has incompetent leaders or have leaders who are aided by the insurgents
2. It exposes a deep rooted conspiracy between the President of Pakistan and the ruling party.

Although, my conspiracy theory has not been discussed, I very strongly believe it is the latter. And here’s why. If the intent indeed was to destabilize the relations between India and Afghanistan, the ISI in their sane minds would not target Indians and Indian installations. You don’t need an Intelligence Service to forsee that. Do you? The world knows the volatile relationship between President Musharaff and the ruling parties and their coalition. The ISI is still under the purview of the president. So it is crystal clear that he might want to destabilize the ruling coalition by exerting international as well as domestic pressure on the coalition. The world sees Pakistan as the haven for insurgents and this bombing at the Indian embassy creates a political uncertainty in the domestic front. So it is a win-win situation for him.

Third Gear: The big deal regarding M S Dhoni (yeah cricket again so what) opting out of the Test tour to Sri Lanka is just plain stupid. The man was honest, straight forward and respectful not to mention smart. To suggest he should have opted out of the IPL instead just goes to show how people can forget everything he has done to make India proud with his performance both on and off the field over the last 24 months. I would like to commend BCCI for granting him permission to opt out of this tour. It should also be a lesson to people like Yuvraj Singh who has carried injuries and did not want to risk his place in the team. Now he has been dropped and worse his injuries have worsened.

Fourth Gear: The Mohamad Asif drug controversy will now be closely watched by the world. I personally think he is screwed for life, one ICC has zero tolerance when it comes to drugs in cricket, second because this happened outside of Pakistan – so now the Pakis cannot make mockery of their own decisions dropping and picking players at will – I don’t think Asif can escape anything less than a life ban especially considering that he is a repeat offender. Even if the Pakistan Board clears him the ICC has the final say which I doubt will do otherwise.

Fifth Gear:” I am going green yall!!!”. We (my wife and I), have consciously taken steps to reduce or conserve our energy dependence. And yes, we like many other middle-class around this country made this partly due to rising costs and of course because of the concern for the environment. And like they say, one step at a time and in any small way we can, I am proud today that we are doing everything we can for the environment – re-cycling, using electricity smartly at home and at the work place, biking to work as much and whenever possible, buying recyclable products. And like all the celebrities endorsing causes like these say “Even if one person reading this changes the way he or she looks at the environment, I will very humbly feel that this blog achieved its intended goal”.

To keep my lazy ass going into hibernation again, I would like to set myself an agenda and a deadline to keep this blog more active.
Agenda – An altogether different topic
Deadline – Update every 2 weeks

CNN-IBN Performance Report Card - Karnataka Assembly Election 2008

2008-05-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

I gave CNN-IBN the benefit of doubt after its coverage of the Gujarat elections. Their pre-poll results wreckage was found nosedived in their New Delhi studio backyard. More than anything else, the supposedly fair and balanced news corporation indulged in negative campaign against Narendra Modi. However, the Karnataka Assembly Elections 2008 shamelessly exposed the channel’s political affiliations. CNN-IBN today is what Fox News is in the US. The channel horribly failed on two accounts. First, the pre-poll results as well as exit poll results fell flat. Secondly, the coverage of the election results-the dice map, Mr. Yogendra Yadav’s presentation where he used the smart board was just a waste of time and energy.

No disrespect to Padmashri Rajdeep Sardesai’s 18 years of journalistic experience but, every time he has a talk with his on-field crew on-air or a guest at a remote studio, it sounds like he is talking via the old trunk-call system. He uses his eardrum shattering hoot call to put his point across and more the disagreement the louder he gets. I am neither questioning his entrepreneurship – obviously he has been doing well financially nor am I questioning his abilities. However, I believe everyone needs a whack-in-the-back from time-to-time to perform better, be it in the corporate world, sports, school. The positive yard-stick for a public newscast TV channel with millions of viewers is not only the TRPs, but fair, transparent unbiased reporting of information. I know I am being very critical of Mr. Rajeep Sardesai but hey someone has to take the whip. Also, it is very important to inculcate the habit of addressing senior citizens no matter who he is with a simple Sir or Mr/Miss. Time and again I have observed that they fail to do so depending on who the personality is. For example, a L K Advani, Manmohan Singh, Amitabh Bacchan are naturally addressed with respect but fail to do so for a Veerappa Moily. Go see Sagarika Ghose’s interview with Mr Veerappa Moily.

Having said all this, I however think the CNN-IBN team did pretty well redeeming themselves by conceding their failure and also introspecting at the end of the day. It was quite evident from Mr. Sardesai’s sound decibels that he was visibly embarrassed. I am a firm believer in capitalism as it brings out the best through healthy competition – consumers like us are the beneficiary at the end of the day. I continue to be loyal to IBNlive.com, however there are other news channels out there Mr. Sardesai.

Some of you reading this might question the objective of these blogs – let me say this I use my blog to sometimes express my emotions but many times to vent my anger. So it might not achieve the intended objective but I do not care. It is my blog.

Elections

2008-05-20T16:33:00.000-07:00

I usually begin most of my blogs with some statistics based on what I think is extensive research from various online resources. But let me caution you that the authenticity and legitimacy of these facts and figures is not only as true as the authenticity and legitimacy of the source itself but also my mood and laziness factor. However, the statistical guesstimate is more than sufficient to corroborate my stand. Having said that I want to make it absolutely clear that I am no “Anu Malik” of statistics. So spare me from dragging my feet into copyright infringement laws and policies.

This article may seem procrastinating since I don’t really have a topic to talk about. Does that mean there is nothing in the world worth talking about? Absolutely not!!
For starters, I am keenly watching and looking forward to the Karnataka assembly election results. The third phase of polling is scheduled for May 22, 2008. CNN IBN and Deccan Herald came out with a poll two and half weeks ahead of the elections. There were quite a few startling observations from the survey. I am questioning the methodology, the credibility and timing of such a survey. I don’t believe in the pre-poll elections one bit and the Gujarat pre-poll results is a case in point. The exit-polls on the other hand provide a more realistic prediction and a more refined margin of error.

Unlike pre-poll elections results in other developing countries such as the US and UK, where the poll results are used by the campaign managers and candidates to up their campaign tempo by discussing policies and issues, the sub-continent political mathematics is the extreme opposite. The crass mudslinging by the candidates in the US elections is nowhere comparable to what the political parties in India indulge in to woo the poor voter. There are parties ready to dish out television sets, sarees for women etc. Now with the pre-poll results which, I am sure is keenly watched by the candidates in fray, they have no other option but to offer better freebies and better the previous offer. So they promise COLOR television sets, BLOUSE piece to go with the saree. I am just appalled at the issues the candidates talk about at the huge gatherings at the cost of healthcare, education, rural development, and infrastructure. The saving grace however is that Karnataka and to most part south Indian politics is far better than politics in Lalluland and Mayawativille.

And what’s up with the fetish with the news channel asking the candidates about their chances in the elections. Are they really out of queries that they fall back to the most stupid and idiotic queries and all that the candidates vomit on them time and again is the universal cliché of “We are sure to get a majority”. It’s like asking Rahul Dravid about Royal Challengers chances of winning the next game in IPL. Commonsense says he cannot be cynical or pessimistic and the obvious answer is what he pukes time and again. Also, stop asking the political parties about post election plans and chances of joining hands with other parties. There is no point in trying to elicit that information now because irrespective of what the election results are, that landscape changes to no identity.

Switching gears to the Democratic Primaries in the US. I have not heard one solid justification from Senator Clinton since the last primary to change my voting preference in her favor. All she talks about is how strong a woman she is and the fake rhetoric (“it took a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush and it will take another Clinton to clean up after the second Bush”) which is getting on my nerves. I have had enough of her saying how great the State that she is in is and how important it is for them to vote and make a difference. Her campaign is 15-20 million dollars in debt and she has been begging for 5 dollars from all her supporters to keep the campaign running. All this with Bill Clinton backing her. She stands a 20 percent chance of winning the democratic nomination and relies heavily on how the super complicated Super Delegates vote.

Her opponent on the other had has been easily raising millions and is looking beyond the primary, taking on the republican candidate and Arizona Senator John Mc Cain. Is Barack a better candidate to run for President from the Democrats – absolutely. Being the former first lady is indeed a solid experience in public life but not solid enough to be the President of the United States of America. Man I just cannot stand her. Everything about her is fake – smile, speech (which was busted sometime back) and last but not the least the truth that she speaks is fake too.

If you guys are wondering about my political affiliations it is worth mentioning here that I am a Dhobi-ka-kutta, na ghar ka na ghaat ka. I do not have voting rights either in India or US. SAD!!

Doomsday for One-Day and Test matches – Cut the crap.

2008-04-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

I read this all the time and almost on a daily basis now with the slam-bang IPL doing its wonders by bringing in the moolah as well as quenching the cricket thirsty nation’s appetite. The bane or the point of contention to many a blog topic as well as headlines hitting the daily newspapers is “T-20 will bring the demise of the other formats of cricket”. Well, if at all that’s true, it only exposes the limitations of the existing formats. The correlation that comes to my mind is no matter how many fast-food joints come up; there will always be a market for the restaurants. How true is the cliché “history repeats itself”? There was the same kind of sentiment when One-day games came into being; the myopic few thought that the days of 5-day games were numbered. It did not happen and I don’t think it will happen now or in the future. As stylish opening batsman Barry Richards ascribed in an interview in 1982, each generation, each decade – or each year as is now the case – adds to the sport's development. It is why it has a fascinating mystery about its culture. If not, there would have been no Kerry Packer and the marketing of the floodlit venture with its white balls (soon, maybe, replaced by a pink variety).

The 5-days game is a very good test of temperament, concentration, commitment, character and true skill of a player. It is as the veterans say “the purest form of the game and ultimate test of anyone’s ability”. However, to expect people to spend seven hours a day for five days at the cost of 3 hours of exciting T-20 game and expect the kind of revenue a T-20 game is going to generate is just preposterous. However, the cricket boards around the world should realize that there will always be a market for test-matches and the administrators should continue supporting this format of the game and ensure a certain status quo is observed. The fact of the matter is before the advent of T-20 a big chunk of revenue generated from the one-day games by all the cricket boards was channelized for organizing and playing Test matches. In fact, 5-day games played in Australia and England do generate a sizeable income. I think the green generated from the T-20 games is going to plug the revenue deficits of other cricket boards.
However, there will be a slight shift away from one-day games primarily because of the schedule. One-day games played during weekdays will slowly but surely phase out. A full tour of a cricket playing nation will and should include a dose of T-20, One-day and Test games.

Practicality and Implications of the IPL

2008-04-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

Will IPL work?

If the inaugural week is any indication, it is for everybody to see and judge. I have always believed that the IPL will see a gravity defying meteoric rise in television viewership as well as stadium spectatorship, primarily for one main reason. The diehard cricket fans playing gully cricket can’t complain about too much cricket. Can they? With most of the games played over the weekend, during prime time and the short format of the game itself is likely to draw the “always busy newspaper reading” dads, “saas-bahu serial watching” moms and “I hate Cricket” girlfriends to cricket. A typical bollywood movie also almost lasts the same amount of time so why not. Right?

The implications - The good, bad and ugly

The good: There is no denying the fact, cricket’s popularity in India is only going to increase. Parents from all walks of life will not mind their kids taking cricket as a career path. Lots of competition, be it business, education, sports (except Politics in India) is always good. I am absolutely certain that the quality of Indian cricket will go up at least a thousand notches.
Other sports federations in India should take a leaf out of the BCCI and stop playing the blame game. If there is market out there for Formula-1, tennis and soccer, I am sure there is market out there for other sports as well. It is a matter of putting the right person in charge, have a vision – come on now I have addressed this in greater detail in one of my previous pieces. And more than anything else, I feel lazy to srite about it again. Also, respective administrators should know more. By the way, as I write this piece, Jothikumaran, the secretary general of the Indian Hockey Federation (IHF), resigned after a sting operation by a TV news channel showed him allegedly taking bribes to select a player for the Indian team. So to blame cricket is stupidity least to say and to say Indian Hockey is gone to dogs will be an understatement. SO I hope other sports in India might see light at the end of tunnel finally.

The bad: Indian Cricket League (ICL) which I think deserves some credit for the conception of IPL, will wane down in the horizon and it will be sad if IPL claims victory for that. Personally, I think the BCCI should step up and sort things out with the ICL. There are quite a few young players whose dream to play for India may just remain that if the ICL and IPL do not mend their differences.

Get used to seeing your favorite movie stars faking their excitement on screen. Have we not had enough of seeing Preety Zinta and Co show off their FANaticism everytime they realize they are being flashed on the big screen? Well, I guess the by-product or the negative side effect of Bollywood owning teams is taking its toll on me already.

There will be an increase in ticket prices for sure and that is something I hope the IPL and BCCI can address and regulate by making sure the prices don’t sky rocket.

The Ugly: Almost everything about the IPL is a direct lift from NFL, English Premier League and the European League. The concept draft pick holds good for NFL which is where the concept is from. The worst team of the season in NFL gets to pick the best player first and it is almost a given that the player is a Quaterback in NFL. That concept maintains a level playing ground. I am not sure that will work in cricket though. The draft pick concept may really not matter a whole lot when it is applicable to the under-19 players alone. How important is it to get a Virat Kohli at the cost of a Andrew Symonds. Also, when the team has to field a minimum of two U-19 players and maximum of four foreign contracted players in the playing 11, I will be surprised to see if any team will ever field more than two U-19 players in the side at the cost of a foreign contracted player. However, the draft pick concept does keep the youngsters from being carried away. The point at the end of the day is that the IPL has nothing unique and Lalit Modi and the BCCI only had the balls and the financial clout to be the first to float it. Also, huge thanks to India’s disastrous world cup campaign and the ICL which is when the BCCI huddled around to save the game going to dogs.

India the IT capital - WHAT???

2008-03-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

The IT sector in India is a USD 50 billion dollar industry with annual growth rates of 30% in the last 10 years and contributes 4.8% to the nation’s GDP. The IT exports market alone constitutes 75% of the total revenue generated by the Indian Software services sector. Of the 1,500 odd engineering colleges in India almost all of them offer IT related courses to students. The number of students graduating each year is just mind boggling. The strong Rupee and robust Indian economy has been generating jobs and demand is only likely to go up based on market estimates.

Having provided these facts it really pains and saddens me to know that the Board of Control in India (BCCI) does not have an official website. As has been a norm with so many of us, we have been relying on www.cricinfo.com for all the information related to cricket. With 20 million users, it is a default gateway for any and all information related to cricket and they indeed have done a fantastic job. Launched by Simon King in 1993, it is simply THE website for cricket.
The BCCI is the richest sports body in India and world’s wealthiest cricket board. As part of the Indian Premier League deal with the consortium consisting of Sony Television and World Sports Group, the consortium will pay BCCI USD 918 million for telecast rights and USD 108 million for the promotion of the tournament. DLF Universal has secured exclusive rights for title sponsorship for USD 50 million dollars over the next 5 years. So obviously money is not a problem. I talked very highly about BCCI spending its resources in the right areas in my previous post. I still stand by that. However, this is one area that has been overlooked and only exposes the lack of qualified, educated internet savvy crew and I am not sure Sharad Pawar and Co are one of them. I do not think even retired and former cricketers who hold important posts within the BCCI qualify or have the acumen to adapt technology as much as their other counterparts.

I want BCCI doing recruitment rounds in college job fairs around the country. I want BCCI to stop hiring the Gavaskars and the Shastris for anything and everything. I want the official website to be able to serve online tickets, merchandise, live scores, exclusive access to players, pictures, stats, state boards and the IPL teams and everything under the sky. Is that just too much as a fan to ask for? I see an enormous market in terms of employment as well as earning revenue which they usually grab with both hands. In stark contrast to the Indian Board, Cricket Australia has an official website (http://www.cricket.com.au/) and so does West Indies (www.windiescricket.com), South Africa (http://www.cricket.co.za/), England (http://www.ecb.co.uk/) and New Zealand (http://www.blackcaps.co.nz/).

However, I cannot stop mentioning about something I was not ready for. The Government of India website just blew me away. My initial reaction was that this was an amateurish attempt and looked elementary. However, as I dug deeper I could unravel loads and loads of information. See, I am not always critical of things and I do appreciate good things.

Media Hype my Arse!!

2008-03-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

India wins perhaps the toughest cricket series overseas and the Indian media indeed does a commendable job. The Indian media was vociferous and put its neck on the line defending the on and off field antics of Bhajji and Co, both through the Tests as well as the One Dayers. The media even sometimes crossed the line of “reporting the events” and started to instigate the desi reader by a tit-for-tat slug fest from their Aussie counterparts. Were they right here – I am not so sure about it.

However, we watched tens of time zones away from the epicenter and felt the tremors and aftershocks as things unfolded down under, thanks again to the fantastic media coverage. I have had way too many discussions with friends about which of the two commentary teams was better. For me the Channel 9 team wins hands-down. Yes! They were pro Australia and that is understandable. Weren’t the Star Sports team pro India? But the likes of Bill Lawry, Mark Taylor, Richie Benaud, Mark Nicholas, Tony Greg and Ian Chappel are anytime better than the Star Sports team minus Harsha Bhogle (although some of the above mentioned gentlemen made their presence on both networks). But that is beside the point. What I really wanted to put across in this post is my angst towards the Indian public after our boys got back home from the tour. There just seemed a very conspicuous fear in the way the media covered the post Aussie tour and the celebrations. The public wanted to celebrate the victory but most of them were skeptical about too much hype to the team. The media wanted to cover the victory and they seemed skeptical about too much coverage. There were polls conducted on some Network News channels where 90% of the respondents overwhelming thought there was indeed too much coverage and hype. This kind of opinions can only happen in India. It is high time people realize cricket is THE sport in India and there is absolutely nothing wrong being fanatical about your team. Every country around the world has one pet sport, which they follow like crazy like there is no tomorrow, and they don’t think there is anything wrong flaunting their team loyalty. And there is absolutely nothing wrong criticizing your team’s performance when they are down. That fits the definition of a FAN to a T (A fan, aficionado or supporter is someone who has an intense, occasionally overwhelming liking of a sporting club, person, group of persons, company) doesn’t it? Honestly, this is likely to get bigger with the advent of the IPL. On the other hand, take for instance the Indian Hockey Federation under KPS Gill who has been accused of selection of Indian Team on ad-hocism, regionalism and favoratism. By the way the Indian Hockey crashed out of the Olympic Qualifiers (you heard it right QUALIFIER) as I write this piece. Even a super hit Bollywood movie did nothing to change the fortunes of the game in India (the movie was good and the intentions were even better). Take for instance Indian Olympic Association under Suresh Kalmadi and his efforts which has been far from sufficient. This will come to fore after the Olympics in China (take my word on it). Although, most of the fan following to non-cricket sports in India is basically from former players, their family and friends. The remaining few who say they are followers are liars who want their kids to become the next Tendulkar.

Agreed BCCI has the money power but more importantly the money has been channelized in the right direction. The BCCI has had a vision, direction and has been taking some bold decisions. We have the world cricket Under 19 champions – that is money channelized in the right direction. We have the IPL – that is money channelized in the right direction. We have the domestic cricket structure which is stronger than ever before – that is money channelized in the right direction. And so there is bound to be negative side effects to other sports and you can’t blame cricket for that. And the investment is there for everybody to see. It has not come easy and so kudos to BCCI to make the sport marketable and the icing on the cake is the team’s performance lately. The BCCI have people like Lalit Modi who will go down in the history of cricket as visionaries.
In the United States people have come to respect the NFL and its commissioner not because NFL is the number one sport here but, because they made NFL the number one sport with their innovation, adatabliltiy to use technology to make the game more exciting and have been appreciated for taking very bold decisions. The MLB (supposedly America’s game) fell behind in adapting to the technological advances and to make matters worse, the drugs scandal which again have themselves to blame for. And the percentage of people who watch NBA is negligible. But unlike in India, they don’t complain about the step-brotherly treatment but are trying ways to promote the game, put a plan in place, revamp the existing structure if necessary and keep the future of the sport in mind. There has been an overwhelming increase in Formula 1 followers over the past few years in India. Neither do we have a team nor do we have that sport being held anywhere close in the sub-continent. The F-1 saw the immense market potential in the sub-continent and their investment has paid off well. The Indian Sports Authority have failed time and again to realize this fundamental strategy to make their sports attractable. A Sania Mirza could make the entire nation go ga-ga and the tennis association made hay while the sun shone. They have tons of tennis academies which are doing really good and will not be too long before that starts paying off. The key here is that the All India Tennis Association capitalized on the Sania Mirza (although I think she is over rated) phenomenon and voila you have the likes of Williams sisters touring India. Unfortunately, hockey and other sports federations lack vision and are full of incompetent people in its structure. Something similar happened in Karnataka a few years ago. Kannada language movies were being forced on people by banning other regional language movies. Unless the quality of Kannada language movies improve no kind of restrictions can woo people into the cinemas. The one thing however, the ban did was put a big hole in the states exchequer.

Recently, Suresh Kalmadi spoke his mind out and wanted King Khan to support other sports and not cricket. All I want to say is “Mr. Kalmadi stop begging. You should have gone to Shah Rukh Khan 5 years ago. Make use of the sops announced in the Budget 2008. What in the world did you do with the 5-fold increase in the allocation for sports in the 10th Five Year Plan? Please use that money at the grass-roots-schools, colleges and universities. Promote compulsory sports curriculum in schools.”
People should get over the fact that cricketers in India command and deserve the kind of money showered on them and come to terms with the fact that in India “Cricket is a religion and Tendulkar is GOD”.